Article 1 We are Married...NOW What???

      We have all asked this question at least once in our marriage. It seems as if we have been prepared before the wedding and during the ceremony but no one prepares you for the aftermath. Did you know that people in the United States of America are ranked number one with the highest divorce rate? How do you feel to know that it is estimated that 49% of Christian marriages end in divorce?

With this information in hand, my goal is to give each of you starter tools to decrease or even eliminate the divorce button that people are pressing so quickly and help you better understand each other’s wants and needs.

First, the main thing to remember is that the person you married is who they are; trying to change your spouse is not your job. Too many of us try to take on the work of the Lord and that is not what he wants marriage to be. You can’t marry a man or woman that never goes to church with you or pray with you, and then once you marry them, you think you can make them go to church or pray with you. You have made this decision with or without God’s leading but the choice is made now; it is time to make it work for you. Start praying that God blesses your marriage, blesses your hearts, blesses your home, and blesses your spirit.

          
      Don’t give up; give out! Give out of love for Jesus Christ that all things are possible, and know that when he shows up, he shows out. You may come home and all of a sudden your spouse is reading the bible, asking to pray with you. You will wake up getting ready for church to see your spouse waiting on you to get dressed so that they can go with you. Therefore, let your light shine and keep the faith in Jesus Christ first and foremost in your marriage.

Second, stop comparing your marriage to other’s around you. It may look perfect on the outside but the devil could be the leader on the inside. Many Christian marriages are unraveling due to the couple trying to model their marriage as other’s around them Like Keeping up with the Jones’. First off, you shouldn’t want to model your life like anyone if their name isn’t Jesus Christ. It is okay to admire the good things in others; it is okay to take from their experiences to build something better within yourself, but when it comes down to your marriage, which is something that should be kept between the husband, the wife, and the Lord. Now, I am not saying shut everyone around you outside your marriage; however, be mindful of the opinions that you are getting about your marriage.

Be polite to them and say “Thanks for the advice.” Don’t go immediately to your spouse, pulling out all this stuff that may set him or her off and start problems inside your home. To be honest, we shouldn’t want everyone inside our marriages telling us how to live, what to do, so be careful in your selection process on who you share private details about your marriage because it may come back to bite you later.

  
          Find a good source to get information from. For example, use your pastor or a mutual friend that you both know and are confident they will not pick sides. Another good source would be a professional counselor who is also someone that can be unbiased in the advice giving department. Do remember that whoever gives you advice, the best way to use it is to take it to God first and wait on his answer about it. This doesn’t mean when you wake up he will give you the answer; sometimes it takes patience which we as humans struggle with and sometimes, we do not always get the answers we want. 

Thirdly, stop thinking that marriage equals perfection. I surely hope you didn’t get married to fix a problem or think this would be easy. If you did, I am sorry to inform you that you are wrong. Marriage is hard work because now there are two of you that have to help each other get to the next level in Christ and in life. If you haven’t done this already, I suggest make goals for yourself and make goals for the marriage.

Limit these goals between 3 and 5. Discuss these goals together; you will be surprised that you may have the same goals, but if you don’t, then talk about why you don’t have the same goals and try what I like to  call, compromising. Just because you have made a compromise doesn’t make you weak or a push over; it means you are accepting the fact that it is not just all about you anymore; it is all about the both of you. The perfect way of showing that is to make goals and work on achieving them together.

           Every marriage has it problems.  Some are more severe than others; but since we aren’t worried about other people’s problems, this will give you more time to pray and focus on your own problems.

     
       Now, you may be reading this and saying why does everything she says revert back to Jesus or revert back to prayer?  Because without these two elements in a marriage, it equals the three “D’s”: disaster, divorce, and despair. God has already told us that we will have trials and tribulations ALONE, so what do you thinks happens when you marry?  YEP, it doubles and sometimes it even feels like it triples. How else will you get through the tough times if you don’t utilize the power of prayer for your benefit?

           
          We as Christian’s forget about prayer and Jesus when things are going well and as soon as a storm approaches, oh, now we fall on our knees to pray then have the nerve to get upset because God is taking his time to fix the problem when he gets ready and not when you want him to. I think God feels if you come to him when you get ready he will come to you when he is ready. With that said, find some Consistency with your relationship with God.

Fourth, be aware of who and what you open your marriage up to. Let’s face it, this is the 20^th   Maybe they have been talking with a co-worker or friend who is trying to get them involved in something like this. This information will help you focus on your next step, which is prayer and fasting.

Century, and being in the Counseling industry, I have heard and seen first hand how “inviting” other people inside your marriage can seem like a good idea first but ends in the three “D’s later. First and foremost we already know that this is not something God would approve of; however, it is going on with our Christians because I am being led to bring it up. If your spouse is trying to pressure you into allowing someone else in your bedroom, you need to first question their motive so you know where this is coming from.

We all know that giving up something for God to bless our situation is smart and helpful. There is an evil spirit lurking outside your home trying to make its way inside.   Only calling the name of Jesus Christ can stop it and cast it out. If you do not get this evil spirit away from your home and do what your spouse wants you to do, sooner or later the marriage is not going to work because this is not what God intended for the union of marriage to be.

      
      I have learned that ideas like this occur when the marriage has hit the boring channel and is stuck there. When you’re stuck on this channel, you and your spouse seek opinions from others on how to spice things up and keep the marriage fun and adventurous. Unfortunately, not all advice is good advice, which falls back on you making the right choices.

           

     A way to avoid this boring channel is make time for each other; I mean REAL time.  At least once a week, you and your spouse should be doing something just involving the two of you.  Even if it is simply eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and talking with each other; this keeps the lines of communication open, and this is the chance for each of you to bring up things that you may want to change or work on.  Another option is to review the goals you all have made and go over the accomplishments of each of them. Go to the movies, go see a play, take a walk in the park, work out together; the bottom line is to just do something at least once a week, together.

    Usually the husband and the wife works maybe go to school and throw in a child or two that equals less time for your spouse. If you push your spouse away and never make time for them, you will be opening your marriage to problems that could have possibly been avoided, had you taken time to listen to your spouse.

Now, I do understand that married people with children may have an issue of having someone watch the children; this is an issue but not an excuse. Try to see if someone in your family or group of friends can watch the children for a few hours. You may have to extend the quality time from once a week to once a month; this is when you can try to take personal time from work while the children are at school to spend with your spouse.  These are called “mental health” days; some companies allow this.

DO whatever it takes to get that essential one-on-one time. If you have to put the children to bed a few hours early to get the time, then do it. No one said you had to give up spousal time just because kids come into the picture, The Bible says to always put your spouse first, and some people can’t seem to grasp that.  Stop making excuses and make your marriage work! Two things you must never do is stop making time for God and your Spouse.  They are the glue that keeps everything else together!

These are just a few things among many that can help keep you from the three “D’s” I have merely touched on the basics; feel free to contact me via e-mail princess_in_christ@msn.com if you have a question or situation or just a testimony. Be blessed!

 

 

Written by: LaTasha R Jackson-McDougle, BSSW

Edited by: Toneisha R Keefer, BSSW